The kids have only been out of school for a few days now, but already Nature is exacting its revenge on Skeletor. I don't know what he did to Nature that was so bad, but I'm sure he did something. Yesterday morning, Skeletor woke me up by whispering that he had green dirt on his "dinglehopper." (I didn't really think it through when I chose our family's nickname for a penis based on what Ariel called a fork in "The Little Mermaid." Too late now.) Anyway, I'm immediately intrigued/terrified. I'm thinking most people would be experiencing this range of emotions if those words were the first thing they heard from their 5 year old in the morning. After I got my glasses, I discovered that the "green dirt" was, in fact, a tick. Awesome, right? The last thing I wanted, especially after "The Incident," was to have to physically restrain my kid to remove that bug. Can you say scarred for life? However, we were all spared that trauma. The Captain ran a very warm bath for Skeletor, and I guess the heat loosened the tick's grip. That brave boy was able to remove the little parasite himself with minimal effort and zero tears or screaming. Hooray!
Unfortunately, Nature was not done with my boy child. The next morning while we were playing on the back porch, Skeletor stepped on a wasp. For realsies, Nature? I think you've made your point! I gave the lad my debit card, and instructed him on gently scraping out the stinger. Again, he took it like a champ. But later that day, Nature struck again. Skeletor broke an outdoor thermometer, and ingested a mouthful of mercury. (Not really a force of nature, but it came from outside. So I think Nature's guilty by association.) Poison control was called, and we were assured that the mercury was only dangerous if it was heated and vaporized. So...good to know, then? I don't even want to think about what could happen next, but I'm thisclose to issuing Nature a restraining order. You hear that, Nature? You're on thin ice (literally and figuratively!) Stay away from my family or I'm busting out the aerosol hairspray!
