Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Night Is Dark And Full Of Terrors

     First off, yay for "Game of Thrones" references.  Second, as my brain is currently mushy and useless, it's time for another installment of Tales From The Before Times!  This, of course, is when I tell you lovely people all about some strange and random thing from my past.  You're welcome.


     Once upon a time, when I was still a young and sassy firecracker (as opposed to an old and sassy one,) I moved into a new house.  I've moved about a billion times, so this should have been no big whoop.  But things are rarely as they should be.  This move, in particular, took a few days to complete.  On the first day, I basically just moved whatever random crap had made its way to the front of the random crap pile.  I also moved a couch, so I would have somewhere to sleep that night.  Moving is hard work, and I was a lazy ass, so I called it quits around mid-afternoon.  I jumped in my car rather spryly to make a run to the grocery store.  As I backed out of my driveway, a man walking down my street flagged me down.  I may have mentioned that I was young and thusly stupid.  So, of course I stopped my car and rolled down my window.  I was ten feet tall and bulletproof, after all!  Anyway, this man asks me if I've got any spare change.  I used to be a sucker for a sad story, so I gave him the approximately fifteen dollars in change that I had in my console.  To paraphrase Daniel Tosh, "You hit the jackpot, mofo!"  He was pleased with his unexpected windfall, and I left for the grocery store feeling morally superior to everyone I passed.
     Fastfoward to that same night.  I went to the store, and got myself some yum yums.  Tired from my day of half-ass house moving, I ate and then retired to my bedchambers, aka my couch in my new living room.  Around four in the morning, I was awakened by someone knocking on the front door, which happened to be right next to my head.  And I don't mean a polite tapping on the door, or a "it's probably just a tree branch" situation.  I mean a full-on "let me in the house because a monster is trying to eat me" scenario.  I peeked out the blinds behind the couch, and who did I see but the same man I gave about twenty pounds of change to that afternoon.  As we did not have plans to play bridge and have a spot of tea, this immediately sent me into panic mode.  And what did I do in panic mode, you ask?  Oh, just froze solid on the couch, and prayed that the man didn't come around to the side door which didn't have curtains.  As he continued to pound on the door, I managed to thaw out one of my hands, and called my mother.  She told me to stay still and quiet, and that she would call the police.  But since I made it a point never to listen to my mother at this point in my life, I did the exact opposite, and began searching for a weapon.
     At that point in my life, I didn't own a gun.  I also hadn't moved any of my silverware or table lamps.  Basically, I had nothing to defend myself with.  Other than my samurai sword, that is.  Serendipitously, a few days prior, I had passed a yard sale, and purchased myself a fancy schmancy sword.  It also came with a board to mount it on for display, but I hadn't attached it yet.  And this is how I found myself to be creeping silently through my home, with a giant sword held at the ready.  I was absolutely ready to decapitate some intruders.  Suddenly the knocking stopped.  I don't know if the guy was able to see me through the window, and had second thoughts about assaulting a girl who defends herself with a sword, or if he just got tired of knocking.  But a couple of minutes later, another knock at the door came.  Thankfully, the man knocking identified himself as a police officer.  Because I may have had trouble explaining myself for assaulting an officer of the law with a dull, ninja sword.  And I think this story is entertaining enough on its own without having to add attempted murder into the mix.  What say you?

29 comments:

  1. You have a sword???? I am soooo jealous!!!!

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    1. I used to. I think my kids broke it. Yes, I'm the kind of gal that lets her children play with swords.

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  2. Oooooh! That gave me the major CREEPS!!! I'd have shit myself if that had been me. No...seriously.

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    1. I managed to keep my bowels in check, but it was a precarious situation fo' sho'.

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  3. I'm thinking you need to take the sword class my kids are taking!!! Well, you know, it would have been helpful if you went back in time like Michael J. Fox or something but I digress.

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    1. I happen to have a Delorean chilling in my shed out back, so that is absolutely a helpful suggestion. ;) I forgot your kids are taking sword fighting. Remind me not to try to steal their lunch money.

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    2. LOL -- Funny that Lizbeth has already commented because as soon as you said "sword" I was totally thinking that you need to get together with Lizbeth's hubs and see if he will enroll you in sword school!

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  4. Awesome story!

    I have a similar one that involves a strange man outside my 2nd story balcony after 10pm, my metal baseball bat, and my brother's dog. If only I'd caught him, but he had a car ...

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    1. See that's what I like to hear. A pro-active lady!

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    2. I break up dog fights too. A garden hose can be very effective, when properly applied.

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  5. I once considered trying to get the street-partying neighbors to shut up by running outside waving a giant claymore and screaming, because I think an insane person with a sword is way more intimidating than most other things. So what happened? Did Beggy McBeggerson get rolled by the cops (I don't really know what that means) or did you just have to leave a dish of change on your porch at night like you'd adopted a stray cat?

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    1. He stopped knocking shortly before the cops knocked on my door. There was nobody outside when they looked, so I'm assuming he ran off into the dark, living to terrify another day.

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  6. I had a visitor like that once... Scary shiz.. My weapon of choice was a baseball bat.

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    1. Baseball bats get the job done, too!

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  7. Oh man. I would have peed on the sofa. Incidentally I've heard that peeing on someone who is trying to attack you is often effective.

    I too own a sword. I have a Civil War sword and it's not very sharp but it's kind of heavy and I always thought it would be good in case I got an urge to do any brandishing. Which, you know, comes up sometimes.

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    1. You never know when a brandishing situation might come up on you. Good plan.

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    2. I'm going to make sure that I'm always hydrated so I can pee on attackers at will.

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  8. This is the best advertisement for swords I have ever seen. I need to get one.

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  9. FYI: I have told my kids that if anybody ever tries to take them, the first thing they should do is poop their pants. Nobody wants a poopypants. Nobody.

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    1. That is sage advice. I'm going to pass that wisdom on to my own kids.

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  10. I like to think that I have an inner ninja...
    and that I would never have to use my mad skills.

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    1. I am absolutely certain that you have an inner ninja. We know our own.

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  11. Whoa! That would have freaked me out!

    When I was young and foolish I was certain a cast iron frying pan was all I’d ever need to skillfully stop a bad guy in his tracks.

    I just love the image of you tiptoeing around your house with your ninja sword all set for head-lopping. LOL

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  12. Creepy! Thank God you have a sword!

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    1. Right? Things would have gotten messy if I'd had to take him out bare handed!

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