Monday, July 23, 2012

Poop: The Indignities Of Parenthood

     I had my first child over ten years ago, and she was certainly not my last.  And as a parent, it has become pretty difficult to surprise me where poop is involved.  Factor into that my time spent working as a CNA, an EMT, and an Army medic, and I become nigh unshockable concerning any filthy thing that can come out of the human body.  (To, this day, I am still almost as familiar with my Army buddies' bowels as I am my own.  It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.  Cliche' for a reason.)  But, my son did something a few days ago that definitely falls under the 'shock and awe' category.  It also falls under the 'reasons I gave my kids blog codenames' category, but I digress.
     As I've mentioned about a bajillion times, my son, Skeletor, is obsessed with all things Halloween.  Except for the candy, of course, because that would be far too typical a thing to be excited about.  As an example of this interest, I submit to you that we have three different colors of those trick or treat pumpkins -sans handles by now- that the boy plays with on a nearly daily basis.  Remember that; it will become important shortly. 
     So, a few days ago, I fed the children, and was attempting to get them to at least splash some soap and water on their cruddy bodies.  Sassafrass was in the bathtub, and Skeletor was watching 'Ren and Stimpy' in his room.  (Because I'm an excellent mother.)  As I passed by his room, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was sitting on top of his pumpkin.  He was being surprisingly quiet and calm, so I quickly leaped out of his eyesight.  We don't poke the bear, right, kids?  A few minutes later, I heard a terrible shriek coming from the bathroom.  I ran into the room just in time to see Skeletor dumping something most foul out of his pumpkin and into the toilet.  Sassafrass kept screaming, "Brother pooped in the pumpkin!  Brother pooped in the pumpkin!"  Upon further inspection, I discovered that, indeed, Brother had pooped and peed in his pumpkin.  Dumbfounded seems to be a pretty accurate description of my state of mind at that moment.
     To my eternal credit, I didn't scream, slam the door shut, and run away.  And to Skeletor's eternal credit, he appeared to have merely used the pumpkin as a bedpan.  As soon as he was finished, he went and emptied it into the potty.  So, obviously, we had a long discussion about appropriate places to poop, but I didn't feel as if punishment was in order.  I believe he was testing the waters, so to speak.  And he hasn't had a repeat showing, so fingers crossed that the message got through to him.  Anybody have a good poop story they would like to share in the comments?  Don't be afraid.  We don't judge here...clearly.

I guess it could be worse...

26 comments:

  1. My nephew dug in his diaper and wiped his poo all over my mom's screen door AND glass cabinet door...AND it was dried to a crisp by the time she noticed... she has cataracts, which I'm sure by now she's grateful for.

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  2. I left my son alone on the training potty - I know, mom of the year, but I have a limit for how long I can perch on the edge of the tub and encourage someone to poop. You guessed it - my mom of the year trophy was smeared on the wall when I came back.

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    1. At least he got you a trophy, right?

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  3. Yeah, you read the story in which my husband licked the poop. But you're right: we have had far too much contact with poop, thanks to being parents.

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    1. So much more poop than I was led to believe...

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  4. So many poop stories to choose from....Okay I guess I will share that when I was potty training my eldest I was told it would be better to just let him run around the house naked because there would be less to clean up.

    That was not the case. That was bad bad bad advice.

    My big question to you - did he let you throw out the pumpkin?

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    1. I don't know if it makes me a better mother or a worse one to tell you that I cleaned it and sanitized it and gave it back to him.

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    2. Better? Seriously that makes you Mother of the Year. Because that is love.

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  5. My first time here and what a bloody funny story and something I could imagine my grandson Leo doing but I hope he doesn't ok he won't poop in a pumpkin because we do not celebrate Halloween.......but that is the only reason......lol Good on you for not freaking out and going off your head wouldn't help anyway, but want to know what did you do with the pumpkin afterwards..........

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    1. Welcome! Believe it or not, I cleaned it really well, and gave it back to him...sigh.

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  6. Hey at least it was IN something and not on and around or smeared into something.
    That's a win.

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    1. Right? To be honest, I was a little impressed with his ingenuity.

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  7. Both of ours painted pictures on their walls with the BM contents of their diapers ... ONCE and once only. Because Mommy had a talk with them, and they helped me clean it up. Then we washed and washed ... *in the shower* (cue horror music -- they both screamed bloody murder if water touched their heads at that age) -- because of course they also got it their hair. I really think it was fear of the shower that cured that artistic impulse.

    I should have bought stock in Lysol Wipes and Mr Clean erasers.

    Because daughter has also painted with screaming Barbie pink poster paints on her wall (pictures for the story she was turning into a movie -- pretty cool for age 4) and son scribbled on his in pencil *all over* (his numbers and letters -- kind of hard to get mad when we'd been told he may never be able to write).

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    1. I can't help but picture a little "Psycho" scene being played out on your bathroom! And sing it, sister, about drawing on the walls. It's like the little heathens know just what to write so you won't be mad at them!

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  8. LOL! You know, I would PAY MONEY if my kid would poop in a pumpkin. Anywhere but in her underwear! But we're not there yet.... someday. :-)

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    1. I'm pouring some juice out of my sippy cup for all my homies still struggling with potty training!

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  9. If I had a nickel for every poop story our family has, my husband and I could retire early. Let's just say we invested in a carpet cleaner months ago and it has already paid for itself in use. :)

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    1. Oh, I want a carpet cleaner sooooooo badly!

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  10. Daughter walked out of the bathroom so proud, "MAMA? I pooped in the potty!"

    I walked to the bathroom, praising her, getting ready to let her empty the little potty into the big one and flush, when my dog, Daffodil, came out licking her chops.

    The little potty was empty. EMPTY.

    Daughter said, "Doggy, poopy yum?"

    I about barfed.

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    1. That is effing hilarious! And disgusting!

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  11. The one thing that was the worst was when I was potty training my son and he did not like pooping at all. He would hold it as long as he could. When he was 4, he would go to preschool not have any accidents. He would come home, I would make him sit on the potty but nothing would come out so I would eventually let him get up. Then he would poop in his big boy underwear. It was usually a huge disgusting log, since he would hold it forever before letting it come out. Then it's almost impossible to get those underwear off without poop sliding everywhere and all down his legs. He did this every single day for a year. After nothing else worked, I eventually put him back into pull ups.

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    1. Kristy, you have my sympathies. We've had years of struggling with my son's withholding issues. It started when we stopped using pullups and got worse on vacations and random times. Just search "potty training" on his blog and you will see.

      We got some help with a Behaviourist and Miralax is now part of his daily diet. I still have to have those flushable wipes handy for wiping. Hang in there and I hope he makes that last step out of potty training.

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    2. My kids would walk up to me, and demand a diaper in which to shit. Then they would hide in a corner, and scream at me if I glanced their way. Ah, parenting...

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  12. Bwah ha ha! It doesn't help that I actually picture your sweet son as, you know, SKELETOR. So, I have Skeletor pooing in a plastic pumpkin permanently seared into my brain.

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