Saturday, July 21, 2012

The Great Infestation Of 2012


     In my internet travels as a blogger and a blog reader, lo these three months, I have seen a lot of people confess a lot of things.  And thank God for that.  Without all of these perfect strangers spilling their respective guts, I may have gone completely insane by now.  (As opposed to the three quarters insane that I currently am.)  One person, in particular, has struck me with her candor.  She even hosts a weekly link-up called Secret Mommyhood Confession Saturday.  I'm, of course, referring to Kimberly at All Work And No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something.  It's fairly self-explanatory.  Every week, mommies from all around the interwebs link-up to post their deepest, darkest secrets.  After weeks of reading and lurking silently in the shadows, I've decided to leap into the fray this week.  Hopefully, I don't scare away everybody.
     As I've mentioned, blogging is awesome because it allows you a forum to talk about things that are frowned upon in polite society.  But my secret mommyhood confession is one that I haven't heard anyone else talking about.  It seems that even in the liberating world of the mommy blogger, there is still at least one topic that is taboo.  Lice.  Yeah, I said it.  We've had a lice outbreak in my house.  No big whoop.  Wanna fight about it?  Nobody, and I mean nobody wants to admit that their kid has lice.  Because even though intellectually most of us know that a lice outbreak has little to do with hygiene, hearing that our child has a damn entomology exhibit on their head sends us into a tizzy.  "What?  Well, I never!  That's just not possible.  I blow dry my child's hair with compressed air every night.  There's simply no way that a life form could survive on his/her pristine scalp!"
     When you find out that your child has lice, you will go through an abbreviated version of the five stages of grief.  They are as follows:
  1. Denial:  I've already mentioned this one.  You could have a licensed health care professional pointing out the little critters to you individually through a magnifying glass, and you will still not be able to accept the situation.  Fortunately, this stage passes pretty quickly, or everyone in the surrounding area would be summarily and permanently infested.
  2. Anger:  This stage is a bitch to get over.  You will lash out at anyone who has ever come near your precious angel baby while having the audacity to have hair on their head. 
  3. Bargaining:  This stage passes more slowly for some than for others.  My bargaining stage consisted mostly of pleading with the follicular gods to pretty please with sugar on top prevent the little critters from spreading to my other children.  Much like genie wishes, I should have been more specific.  None of the other kids got them, but my one poor child got them over and over again for almost five months.  We've since figured out where she was getting them, but still.  Cut me a break!
  4. Depression:  My depression stage hung around for a while, especially since we could not seem to shake the damn things.  It came in many shapes.  From reading the note that the school sends home, all the while knowing that the anonymous child they are referring to is your own, to being forced to ask the make-up counter lady at Walgreens where the lice shampoo is.  These things will send you into a shame spiral.  Side note:  I don't know who you're trying to kid, lice shampoo manufacturers, but your product does not have a fresh herbal scent.  Instead, it smells like I dumped a fifth of Jager onto my child's head.
  5. Acceptance:  Most people tend to reach this stage only after they have managed to rid their house of the scourge.  Hell, I'm doing the same thing right now.  Only after we discovered where the lice were coming from, and did our final treatment, am I now comfortable talking about this.  Yeah, I'm a hypocrite.  So, what?
     Whew!  I feel better already.  Confession really is good for the soul!  Maybe next week I'll talk about something really gnarly.  You've been warned.

22 comments:

  1. I'm glad you found the lice source and can now get rid of those little critters for good. That makes me all itchy! Kind of makes me grateful that we only have fleas here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They've been gone for a few weeks, now, thank goodness! I was losing it!

      Delete
  2. I'm kind of itching too. I just found Kimberly's blog today. I will probably read and lurk in the shadows too. Glad you found the source. I hope its okay to laugh at this now since the moment is behind you. I was cracking up at, "anyone having the audacity to have hair".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is absolutely okay to laugh about. If I didn't laugh at all this crap, I would just have to cry!

      Delete
  3. Oh man! We haven't had it, but our nieces have gotten it repeatedly and every single time I hear they have it I cross my fingers and pray that our kids didn't get it from them. I'm glad you found the source and are able to purge them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me, too. It was so freaking frustrating to do everything that I was told to do, only to have the critters keep coming back!

      Delete
  4. OH. My. Follicular Gods.
    This is too funny.
    My son starts school in September and I am dreading the whole lice issue. EEEKS!
    How violated did you feel? ACK!!
    I remember getting it in grade school and my mom ran around the house on a bug busting mission. EEKS
    Thanks for linking up!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, not only did I have to treat everyone's head repeatedly, I also had to wash every blanket, sheet, pillow, and stuffed animal in hot water every time. And, you're right, I did feel violated!

      Delete
  5. You are so dead on with this one...when my son's hair grows out it is crazy thick and he had it grown almost down to his shoulders; i am crazy in love with his hair, always messing with it and goofing around and snuggling him. one day he said his head was kind of itchy so i took a look and didn't see anything but since we both have sensitive skin i just got a different shampoo and never heard another complaint. never saw him itching his head or anything that would indicate i should take a closer look. lo and behold a month later i get a call from the school to pick him up - when she used a pencil to lift up the top layer of hair (on which there was NOTHING, not even an egg visible) there was a whole freakin colony of fully grown lice on his scalp. i felt awful for him (though his shame level is pretty high and he seemed to take it in stride 'she said they like a clean scalp mom, i know i'm not dirty, geez') and seriously like the worst parent ever. four treatments and one buzz cut as a final desperate strike and we finally got rid of them, but he catches me all the time (5 months later) kissing him on the top of the head while trying to surreptitiously look at his scalp...the shame may begin to abate, but the paranoia, not so much...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It feels like getting the scarlet letter of parenting. The scarlet L, if you will. And I still check her head constantly. She says, "Looking for bugs, Mom?" Well...yeah, you caught me, kid.

      Delete
  6. Whew, good thing it's ok to laugh about it. I was laughing the whole time shouting YES!!! YES!!! Sooooo true! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm glad there are others out there who share my shame! ;)

      Delete
  7. I live in licey fear. I know why people don't talk about it; they don't want to be burned at the stake. I've never had lice in the house (KNOCK WOOD), but I know how easy it is to bring home. And I think most parents, because they are frustrated, just want someone to blame.

    Great confession!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hilarious post but so very true. My kids have not yet been inflicted. But each new school year you know the letter is coming. It is as inevitable as runny noses and scraped knees and still it is treated like leprosy.

    [fyi - I put in the yet because I don't want to anger the lice gods. I am also knocking on wood as I write].

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are a cruel and vengeful lot. You should continue periodically knocking on wood for the rest of your life.

      Delete
  9. This is such a good one because you're right, nobody ever talks about it! You're not alone though. Plus we even had fleas once - it was hor-rib-le. Your stages are perfect!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! We haven't had fleas yet, but it's only because I'm allergic to animals. Like, all of them. But, I'm not one to underestimate Mother Nature, so I say 'yet.'

      Delete
  10. frigging lice. I had lice when I was in grade 1, and I got hauled out of an assembly JUST before I was to receive an award for doing "good work".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhhh, you were robbed of your moment! Stupid bugs!!!

      Delete