Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Special Needs Parenting Drinking Game

     Just in time for the holidays, I present to you the special needs parenting drinking game.  Should you choose to actually play this beast, I will not be held legally or morally responsible for your alcohol poisoning related ER visit.  As my son has an autism spectrum disorder, a lot of the rules of the game are based on that.  But, from what I'm hearing, they're relevant to a lot of SN parents.  A big thanks to the lovely Elle at Call Me Momah for giving me the idea.  She's a hoot and a holler, so I suggest you go visit her immediately.  (Well, read this post first, please.  That would be very cool of you.) 


 
The Special Needs Parenting Drinking Game

  • Drink every time your child breaks something.  Finish your drink if he breaks something of great sentimental value.
  • Do a shot each time you take your child to Speech Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Behavioral Therapy, or any other kind of therapy.
  • Drink every time your insurance won't cover an intervention.  Finish your drink if it will.  (Celebration time!)
  • Do a shot every time Jenny McCarthy says something stupid or offensive.  Do two shots if it involves showing her boobies.
  • Drink every time someone says so-and-so "was just like that when he was younger, and he's fine now."  Finish your drink if the person who says this is a relative.
  • Do a shot every time your school system vetoes an intervention.
  • Drink every time someone says, "But he looks normal."
  • Drink every time a doctor ignores your concerns.
  • Drink for every referral you get.
  • Finish your drink every time you have to call your child's principal.
  • Do a shot every time someone calls your kid weird.  Do another shot for each violent demise you imagine for the person who calls your kid weird.
  • Drink every time your child reaches a hard-won milestone.  Finish your drink every time your child has a setback.
  • Drink every time your child gets overstimulated.
  • Drink every time your child is understimulated.
  • Drink every time your child starts stimming.
  • Do a shot every time you stay home from an event or family gathering rather than deal with the meltdown that is sure to follow.
  • Drink every time your kid wakes up in the middle of the night.
  • Drink every time your kid wets the bed.  Finish your drink if he wets your bed.
  • Do a shot every time your kid has a meltdown.  Hell, take two shots.
  • Drink every time your child eats chicken nuggets.  Finish your drink if he decides he no longer likes chicken nuggets.  Do a shot if he demonstrates this displeasure by throwing the chicken nuggets against a wall.
  • Drink every time your child screams.  Finish your drink if the scream is coming from one of your neurotypical kids.  Do a shot if you're the one screaming.
  • Drink every time your child refuses to let you cut his toenails, wash his hair, brush his teeth, etc.
  • Drink every time your child plays in the sink.  Finish your drink if he has incorporated a box of tampons into his sink play.  (Thanks to Kimberly at All Work And No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something for that one!)
  • Drink every time your child injures himself, someone else, or you.  Finish your drink if there's bloodshed.  Do a shot if the injury requires an ER visit.
  • Drink every time he cries.  Finish your drink every time you cry.
  • Drink every time you leave a store because of one of your child's meltdowns.  Finish your drink if you stay in the store for the duration of the meltdown.  Do a shot if someone calls children's services on you.
  • Drink every time you watch a certain t.v. show for the billionth time.  Finish your drink every time your child has a conversation with you based entirely on said show.
  • Drink every time your child refuses to go to school.  Finish your drink when he refuses to leave school.
  • Chug for five seconds when your child learns to unlock the front door.
  • Drink every time your child strips naked.
  • Drink every time your child's feces ends up somewhere other than the toilet.
  • Drink every time you replace your bathroom tile.
  • Drink every time your child refuses to wear an article of clothing because it is itchy, scratchy, too tight, feels funny, etc.
  • Drink every time your child dismantles a brand new toy, and then plays with just one piece.
  • Drink every time someone says IEP, annual goals, data, or vaccinate.
  • Drink every time you say an acronym.
     Well, there you have it.  Feel free to let me know any rules that I've missed in the comments section.  If you have been playing along as you read this, then you are completely schwilly by now.  Go to bed.  You're a mess.  And, no, I won't hold your hair for you while you puke.  I'm mean like that.    

28 comments:

  1. I'll try not to puke too much then since there won't be anybody to hold back my hair. Seriously though, I loved this! I can so relate. Over the years it's been one thing after another!

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    1. It seems like it never stops. And I have issues with the hair holding because I have crappy friends who have left me hanging! So I'm paying it forward.

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  2. Do I get credit for having been playing this game long before it was an actual "game"?

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    1. Yes, you do. In fact, you get so much extra credit, that you are now the official bartender!

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  3. Replies
    1. Thanks! Did you get my message on your FB page?

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  4. Oy! I'd be hammered ALL THE TIME!

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    1. I know! Wake up hammered, go to bed hammered!

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  5. Oh hell! You are going to end up a lush. There are a number of rules up here I could drink to also. If only my liver could support such fun!

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    1. Girl, my liver can't handle all this nonsense, either. Somedays, I wish it could, though!

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  6. You are going to be a hot mess.
    Will you video tape it?

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  7. I had an aide at my son's school sigh and say to me, "Don't worry, honey. My son is brain-damaged _too_ and ... Your boy will be fine, just like mine."

    It should be noted that my son is NOT brain-damaged. He's a genius with ADHD. And this woman is an idiot.

    I wanted to hurl desks at her head.

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    Replies
    1. You should have! No court in all the land would have found you guilty!

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  8. OMG woman---a special needs drinking game. That is effing hilarious!!!! I think I would be stone cold drunk or dead if I followed those rules.

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, this is only for those with mutant livers.

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  9. Frequent Flier in numerous rehab programs if I followed this game? *Raises both hands*

    After this past year, need to add:
    Take a drink every time your (away from the house working and commuting spouse so much you are basically a single parent) announces they don't know how much longer they can "do this."

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    1. Right?! I giggle with wicked glee every time my hubby starts to lose his temper over something that literally happens at least ten times while he's at work.

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  10. I'm new here but I have to say - I'd be dead of alcohol poisoning before I got through number 2 on this list - either that or just give me an alcohol IV... Hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh. :)

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    1. Welcome! You're right, an alcohol IV would probably save loads of time!

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  11. Um just the first 3 will get you drunk as Hell like every day. Love it!

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  12. A drinking game? The only thing you'll get out of that is a headache. That may be alright if you have parental control software for kids.

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    1. Oh, that example conversation in that link is hi-larious!

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  13. Drink every time your spouse is embarrassed that you park in the disabled space. Finish your drink when your child bolts out of your grasp proving the need for said disabled placard.

    Drink every time one of your relatives or in-laws asks if your child will ever be able to talk normally.

    Do a shot anytime someone asks if you've seen the Temple Grandin movie.

    Take a swig for every time you fill out the same long checklists for yet another provider.

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    Replies
    1. Yes to all of the above. Especially to that freaking movie!!!

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