Monday, June 25, 2012

Oh, Karma, You Delightful Creature!

     My house is still in the midst of its very own black plague.  Apparently, we had the great fortune to contract this super bug that's been going around.  Its most noticeable symptom?  Oh, just the fact that it lasts for about a month to six weeks.  So cool, right?  As I still feel like straight garbage, I'm too tired to attempt to make my daily life sound interesting.  Thusly, today I will be regaling you with one of my Tales From The Before Times.  (That should sound all cool and echo-y when you hear it in your head.)  These tales will henceforth be told any time I try to come up with a current and relevant blog post, but just end up with doodly squat.  They're pretty much just good stories that I think you might like to read.  Could be wrong.  I'm okay with that.  Let us begin.


     About a year ago, before I started feeling all Lyme-y and before Skeletor's major behavioral issues surfaced, I was gainfully employed working on an ambulance for the local hospital.  It was while working here that I was witness (well, ear witness) to the single greatest example of karma that I can imagine.  There I was, watching television in a recliner working super hard at one of our stations, just making it through the day.  Then the tones sounded, signaling that someone was about to go drive an ambulance really fast.  Turns out my truck wasn't going anywhere, but we all still listened to see if anything cool had happened.  The call was for a snake bite.  Now, even though we live in the south, it's still relatively rare for someone to call 911 for this kind of thing.  Hmmmm...interest piqued.  A few minutes later we heard one of our paramedics come over the radio trying to narrow down the location of the call.  It seemed that the patient was somewhere in the middle of a cornfield.  Dispatch advised that there were police at the scene, and that the paramedics should look for the blue lights.  Even more interested.  They found the patient...and his wife, and the police, and a rightfully pissed off snake.  What had transpired was karma at its most instantaneous.  Apparently, some mean spirited, abusive, hillbilly of a jackass had been working in the field with his wife when she did something to upset him.  Instead of using his words, as we teach toddlers to do, he decided that physical violence was the only way to get his point across.  But he didn't use his fists.  No, no, that was not a flashy enough gesture.  In order to truly express his anger, this moron picked up a poor snake that happened to just slither by, and began to beat his wife with it.  We will not even get into how horrid this is.  We will, instead, get right to the good part.  As he was beating his wife with this snake, he got bitten.  But he didn't stop.  He continued to hit his wife, and then was bitten again!  Then he dropped the snake, and presumably started to flop around and have all sorts of nasty symptoms.  Oh, karma, thou art such a divine and lovely creature!  You make life tolerable.
     I don't know what happened to him, because his physical well-being was not my concern seeing as he was such a douche kabob.  Maybe he lived, maybe he died, maybe he lost his arm.  Who knows?  Doesn't really matter, because the point in the story where he gets bitten is where every single person I know ceases to care what happened to him afterward.  And, there you have it, folks: my absolute favorite example of karma.  Now, I'm going to go drink Nyquil, and pass out.

14 comments:

  1. Just for the record, I seriously hate snakes and I think being beaten by one is now going to rank as my worse nightmare, so thanks for that! Karma is aparently a slithery bitch.

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    1. I was looking for a picture of a copperhead to put with this story, but I got too grossed out to continue. Snakes are just...ugh.

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  2. Great story. Snakes totally creep me out. That idiot had it coming to him. Karma can be a bad thing. I've got an ex that's gonna get his for sure.

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  3. Wow! BEST. KARMA. STORY. EVER. Totally gonna tell my kids this one.

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    1. I think it makes a pretty good social story!

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  4. Oh man I feel so terrible for that woman.
    We saw all sorts of Karma at the ER I worked at too. Loved every minute of it.

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    1. I know, that poor thing! But it does make you feel good to know that we live in a world where that kind of crap does not go unpunished!

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  5. "douche-kabob" -- what an awesome vocabulary term! Must make a plan to use that somewhere in my conversation today! ;-)

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    1. It's an oldie, but a goodie!

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    2. I agree. Douche-kabob? It's amazing what mental images that brings up.

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    3. I'm afraid I can't take credit for it. A friend of mine coined the phrase.

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  6. I remember when we lived in Montana and dad always had a snake-bite kit int he glove compartment of the truck. It scared the shit out of me because there's a little razor blade in there that dad said he'd have to use to cut the skin and that freaked me out. Cause I was 5.

    Anyway, I just figured out today (when checking spam comments) that all your comments on my blog have been going to spam. I have NO IDEA why. So I unspammed them. I'm curious if we'll continue to have that issue moving forward.

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    1. Yeah, that would definitely have freaked me out, too! You're not the first person to have this problem. Apparently, the internet hates me. Hopefully I can sacrifice something to the internet gods, and that will fix the issue.

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