Monday, July 9, 2012

Permission To Feel

     Last night, I found out that an old friend of mine passed away.  I worked with her for several years at the Crimson Crustacean.  Anyone who has worked at a restaurant in their late teens or early twenties knows how close you become with your co-workers.  You work together, you play together, you are completely enmeshed in each other's lives.  I haven't spoken to my friend in several years.  We just drifted apart, as so often happens.  When I was told about her passing, I immediately brushed it off.  I said to myself, "That's very sad.  But you haven't talked to her in years.  You don't have the right to get all torn up about this."  And then I went to sleep, and had troubled dreams that I can't remember.
     This morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, I remembered that she was gone.  And I remembered what a wonderful person she was.  I never heard a hateful word come out of her mouth.  And then I gave myself permission to feel.  And I cried.  A lot.  I'm trying not to cry right now.  I have tried very hard all my life to shove my feelings down into a nice, tidy bundle that can be kicked under the bed.  But, I'm not going to do that today.  My friend Amy died.  And that breaks my heart.

Rest in peace, Amy.
  The world will truly be a poorer place without you.

20 comments:

  1. We are getting old enough that our friends are passing away and that kind of sucks. I'm sorry your beautiful friend is gone.
    We found out that the best man at our wedding died a year after he died because none of his family knew to contact us. It was weird finding out so late.

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    1. Feelings are good.

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    2. It does. It just sucks. And, feelings suck, too, Mom.

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  2. Oh, good heavens. I've lost a few friends from high school and college, and ... it hurts SO much. It made me feel crazy. Like there was something wrong with my brain. It's surreal. And it keeps popping up every now and then. Something will remind me.

    I am with you in the "What the HELL??" feeling, if you have it. And the "impossible. just impossible" feeling. And in the "lay in bed and feel tears rolling into my ears and hair" feeling.

    And also the weird embarrassment when you think you're overdramatizing a situation. Like, "we haven't been close for So long. Why am I even crying?"

    I have no answers.

    None. Sorry.

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    1. It makes me feel slightly less crazy to know other people feel guilty like this, too.

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  3. You're not just saying goodbye to a person, you're also saying goodbye to some parts of your life. I've been saying a lot of goodbyes lately myself. I am so sorry. She sounds like a sweet person.

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  4. I had a similar experience with a friend I knew in high school. I hadn't spoken to him in over ten years when he died in a car accident. I went to the funeral and felt like an interloper, a fraud. I stood there stoic through the whole service. It was only as I walked out to my car that I allowed myself to fall apart. It's sad that we learn to hold these things inside so I am glad you let it out. Happy to receive it.

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    1. Thank you. I don't know what teaches us to do this, but it needs to stop.

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  5. Oh this breaks my heart.
    I am so sorry.
    It doesn't matter how long or short or how far apart you grew...she was in your life and that matters.
    Sending you lots of love.

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    1. Thank you. She really was just a wonderful person.

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  6. This is such a coincidence, but I just found out Sunday that this girl I use to run with had died. I haven't seen her in 7 or 8 years. She was close to my age and had 2 sons that were close to my son's age. We did our long runs together for years and qualified for Boston together. Our falling out was complicated and involved a stupid guy. (of course) I always thought I would see her running or in a race and it would give me a chance to make up and explain my side of things. Didn't really matter at this point I guess, but now I will NEVER get a chance to make things right. She's gone.

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  7. The older we get, the more we're affected and surrounded by mortality. It's awful. I'm so sorry about your friend.

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  8. I'm sorry about your friend. Even if you've lost touch, when the world loses a good person, it's painful.

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  9. I'm really sorry. This struck home for me, because the same kind of thing happened to me several years ago. I felt like I had no real right to be sad because it had been so long, but there's no such thing as too much time passing to grieve for a friend. Hugs to you.

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